Anxiety and other Irrational Thoughts

Hey guys! It’s been a few days. Sorry for the hiatus. I go back to school a week from Monday and I’m pretty excited. I am a nerd after all. Lately I have been having anxiety dreams. You know, the ones where your heart is physically racing and you can feel the panic and worry, but you’re asleep? Yea. Not fun. I haven’t talked about this before on my blog, but I have anxiety and PTSD from the things I have gone through medically, but also just being a young female is stressful all on its own. Ever since I was around four, I think, I have had anxiety and it has increased with age. Luckily, I have learned to control it and not let it rule my life. That’s not to say some days aren’t worse than others. Part of my anxiety stems from the social aspect of life because that hasn’t always been easy for me. I gotta be honest, blogging is very therapeutic and has allowed me to open up more.

Putting yourself out there is very scary because you are being vulnerable to the world, but it is a risk I’m willing to take because I believe the positive outweighs the negative. Not that I have had any negative things come out of this blog, but when I started, I knew it was a possibility because some people like to put others down to make themselves feel better. I will cross that bridge when I get there. The response I have been getting has been nothing short of positive support and love and for that, I am really grateful.

Back to my anxiety, a lot of it has dwindled since I got diagnosed. It was super hard for me to not know why my body did not want to corporate while watching my peers speed past me (both literally and figuratively). I severely lacked self confidence, even though I may have seemed like I didn’t. I tried to put on a brave face, but it was getting harder as I got older. Going to the Mayo Clinic and getting that diagnosis changed my life in way more ways than one. When I got back home, even I noticed a huge improvement in the way I carried myself. I started showing my true personality to more than just my close friends and family, I raised my hand much more in class, and I began reaching out to people who I wanted to befriend. The one thing the diagnosis didn’t change was my fear of being thought of as cognitively challenged or not smart enough or not capable enough to be where I was in school. I was constantly afraid that people were thinking that teachers pitied me and let me into the higher level classes. I know now that that was not true, but I still felt that way. Being in college has lifted that pressure greatly because you have to be very good in school to go to college so I figured I proved my point to everyone that I am smart and capable. This doesn’t mean that I don’t push myself academically though.

I have learned to cope with my anxiety, PTSD, and depression, but it still hits at the most random and worst times. It will never fully go away as it is always in the back of my mind, but I am learning to focus on the here and now. It’s not easy, but all you can do is try.

Thank you for reading my most recent ramblings and please feel free to drop questions and comments in the comment section! As always, stay beautiful.